Well, It is more of me losing myself.
I am actually looking forward to work in Jan. I dun really like what Im doing now in school. I enjoy going for classes, especially SBM and leadership as I always feel very motivated and just happy to be learning a lot of things as the prof sorts of bring us to another world. But I do not enjoy doing projects. The long, tedious process of meeting everyone, meeting and meeting and endless meetings... I think I have had enough of it. I want to just learn like how I did in bkk. I miss the life there. So much. I miss you too Jy!
Im losing myself. Im losing motivation. Im not sure of what is it that I want anymore. Im not sure of what I want anymore. I dun have that kind of drive to bring me through all the projects anymore. How?
Im glad the trip is near... I cannot wait to leave this place for a while. I feel totally lost and suffocated now. I need a place to retreat back to. I need to be away from things. From the same things that seems to be haunting me nonstop. I hate that. I hate seeing problems occurring again and again. i hate myself for not being able to verbalise my feelings and thoughts better. I hate to be in this state.
In short. I am not happy. I feel that I have lost control of my life.
I need some time off to be with myself. I need to love myself more. I need to give myself more attention. I need to think about myself more.
And I have decided not to go on with the grad night dinner. I do not want to get myself involved in something that I might not be happy with afterall. There are many other ways to contribute. It is too much work to form a team. It is too much work to form a team with people who holds the same passion. I would rather keep that time and effort for something else. It is my graduation after all. I should enjoy it the way i like.
HS said that when it comes to bitching about school, I am last on the priority list. Cos my term is ending soon. Its the so near yet so far feeling that i Hate. Its the school cum working life that I hate. I enjoy school. I enjoy work. But I absolutely abhor working + schooling. I WILL NEVER let my kids go thru this next time. Yes, they have to work during vacation, but NOT during the normal terms. It is an emotional torture.
I want my financial independence.
I want my freedom of heart, mind and soul.
I want the euphoria of being just happy.
I miss work now really. Cos at work, i am in a world of my own. ME and Work. Me and Boss. Me and my performance. Me and my ideas. ME.
School is a game with a totally different set of rules althogether.
Im done with school. Im glad im done with school. SOON....
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