Changed

Things have changed and right now, Im not sure if I can cope with it. Especially not so when it was a double whammy.

It is high time I take a break from it all.

I have never wanted to leave this place so much.

I tried. It didnt work out. Still, Im left alone to sort things out.

And at the end of it all?

Im alone.

I shouldnt hold on to the past.

No more.

This is my new found love. Something i look forward to every morning cos when the clock strikes 12 for lunch, the gang will flock to this nice, clean and homely korean restaurant less than 5 min away from the yard for lunch. Their menu changes everyday so you will never know what you will get. The best part of it all, EVERY DAY.. and yes, EVERY DAY, you can expect free flow rice and most importantly... woah.. free flow piping hot korean soup which is simply heavenly and you just cant stop slurping and slurping especially in this cold weather.

The restaurant doesnt have a menu so you dun get to choose what you want to eat. Food is already served on the tables and you simply find a seat and the moment you sit down, you can start. 20 rMB per head, equivalent to about $4.50 SGD. It isnt exactly cheap to be honest according to the standards here, i mean around the yard, but this is definitely one mini eatery in which you can eat and not have to worry abt getting food poisoning...

Alrightey.. I am looking forward to my lunch!

I miss YEW, the curlie!

Lost

I believe that i need to spend some time to put my life back into persective. At least, how I view my life right now.

The balance has been tipped and I have lost my footing.

Perhaps it's the uncertainty lying ahead, perhaps it's the bad experienced in the past, perhaps it was just how the sources of my motivation in life seemed to have changed or at least, they were no longer there where I used to find them.

Maybe It was due to the fact that I did not spend enough ME time here and everything seems to be dictated by events not within my control.

Im like a lost bird maybe. A lost bird at a cross road.

It's not about whether this is good or bad. Nor do I need anyone to understand what and how I feel. It is simply a phase that I dread because I feel like I am swimming in the middle of the sea, blindfolded. Sometimes with a little direction here and there, I feel more comforted. But until my blindfold gets removed, and someone hauls me back into a boat, I will continue to feel lost. Maybe I should start searching for new boats and haul myself on. But that is yet another risk, which I am not sure, would make me better off than this.

11 deg

So well done, 11deg C and we walked all the way from the guesthouse to the yard. My ears went numb from cold and the strong wind that kept us from moving forward with ease left me with a headache now that Im in the office.

Blur me left all three mufflers that I bought last night all in my room. How smart.

Im not still not in my winter gear.

Temperature doesnt seem like it will rise anytime.

Apparent Beijing is abt 2 deg i heard. Good luck to me during my transit. My GOOSE FEATHER JACKETS SHOULDNT BE LEFT AT HOME!

Counting down to returning home

COLD COLD

I am so not prepared for this 12Deg C to 14 Deg C temperature! Im still in my autumn clothes.

Arrgghhhh....

I have to leave next week cos Im not ready for the winter!!!

The strong winds didnt help... now it feels more like 10 deg. Sob sob... cold cold...

Looking forward to buying shawls and gloves!!

Trapped

Perhaps there is one key from the bunch I hold somewhere that can free my soul. Perhaps that key doesnt even exist.

Maybe I should wait.

Maybe I should stand up and walk out of it once and for all.

I hate feeling what I felt yesterday and a few days ago.

I hate aboveall, that the frequency of these unhappiness is increasing.

Maybe i have officially sank into another state of depression.

Sometimes I think, I shouldnt try to control things that are beyond me.

And right after, I would then start thinking about things that are within my control.

I will then, make a big decision. If I were to eventually reach the state in which I have to decide, I guess I would.

It's pure agony as of now.

Home sick

I have six min to complete an entry cos I have tons of work waiting for me. All in red flagging at me. Shit.

I love being at work early cos you naturally just feel more motivated to have at least 4 hours ahead before lunch to clear all matters on hand. This is especially important in times like that when i am fighting to split 3 things on hand to be completed as much as possible by this week. I have 4 days to be exact before I go back to SG.

The weekend was one eye opener. i will blog more about this later. It wasnt a very pleasant experience but this experience is certainly valuable. It has changed my perception of renting houses, especially so in China. Im glad I have a place to stay and never have to worry about things like that back at home.

I miss home. I miss my family.

I am kind of looking forward to the wedding because it has been a long while since the family gathered, dressed up and hang out together. Even if it was just a few hours. After this weekend, I will most probably be back in china for a while. And I wont have much time to spend with my loved ones at home.

Cant wait to touch down at Changi.

The struggle

On fiction Books

I Received a newsletter from Borders Singapore.

In this issue, they focused on books that were nominated for various Booker Prize. I scanned through some of the titles and read the synopsis. Boy, I realised it was a really long time since I last read a true fiction book.

I would not classify Paulo Coelho's as a true fiction because to me, his is more a book of philosophy using fiction as a platform to set his ideas and put forth his thinkings.

People around me have been recommending me Jodi Picoult. My sis finished one and passed me one of her books. Somehow while I was deciding what book to bring for my trip last week, I contemplated for a while Picoult's. However, I guess I havent had the habit of reading fiction for quite sometime because of the frequent travelling. I hate to read a book halfway, and because work and rest overrided continuing the book for months, I had to go back to the book, right in the middle, with no more clue of what exactly happened before. Having to just recalled the gist of the plot isnt adequate, it is very often the details that makes a book worth reading. This problem is a little less serious for non-fictions I feel.

In anycase, after reading through that newsletter, I was pretty tempted to grab some of them. I need to do something about my discipline in reading.

Workwise, I have got new projects coming up and some of the old projects have progressed and so more work has to be done.

It is hard for me to not travel here, at least not this winter.

Enlightened

I know I shouldnt be typing this right now but I really need a little break from everything else to pen my thoughts and also to take this opportunity to rationalize things a bit.

It's been a pretty rollar coaster trip. Not long, exactly 7 days since i first arrived. Just by sitting beside me boss for 4 days was a great learning experience and with the guidance and direction she provided, I was so much better off than before. At least now i understand better my role, what I should do and my approach to the analysis that I was supposed to do.

This is also a runaway trip from some unhappy things going on at home.

& as for that other issue, we have successfully reached another level I think.

I was happy shopping alone at Watsons, the supermarket and da baoing pizza and lugging everything all the way back to my room yesterday. It's good to spend some time alone once in a while.

I went home, accidentally fell asleep and woke up at 1230am to wash up. Well, I went on to finish up some work and that left me very awake at 130am. I couldnt sleep anymore cos I slept a little too much for the night. Maybe it was because of the nap, maybe it was because of the DVD. HAha... anyway.. after much complaining, he told me to shut the tv, just close my eyes and sleep.

Well, I guess after much struggle, I manage to rest at around 4am. And at 7am... I was in a battle with my sleep, trying very hard to get up. Alarms after alarms, calls after calls... Surprisingly I still manage to reach the office at 8am.

I see that I will be spending another winter in China.

Going home next weekend, wedding dinner most prob and then come back here with the full winter gear.

I finally got down to gathering these pics

Virtually there

Time to pack the Luggage AGAIN!!

I just unpacked a few days ago lor...

*Sob Sob*

And I need somthing more mentally stimulating... ARRGGHH... time is CRAWLING BY.... So slowly...

If only I have the answers....

Still lost

You wouldnt believe this. Maybe this is fate.
I was at the cafe in YT, China at 7pm on 26th.
I was having dinner and then furiously typing the essay(max 500 words) and my work scope (max 2000 words). Dinner took about 2 hours, and by 11.10pm, I was ready to complete my application. Even though i was given a cable, I still could not connect to the internet. No choice, I had to go back to the guesthouse.

I reached the guesthouse at 1120pm and immediately after i plugged in the cable, I got internet.

I logged on to the online application, wanting to complete it. Then when i refreshed the page, I was told that the online application is closed. That was 1130pm. I refreshed twice. Same result. I thought oh well, then i should just send an email to them to state my case.

I didnt receive a reply the next day nor the day after. When I reach beijing the day after, I logged on to my mail and to my horror, I realised that the email that I thought I sent wasnt even in my sent box.It wasnt sent. In anycase, I sent them another email.

The next day, back in SG in the office, I gave them a call to ask if they had received my mail cos there was no reply.

The person asked me for my name and then later she told me, oh, she had spoken to the supervisor and checked with IT. The system was working fine and it only closed at 1159. And there was nothing they could do to reverse the application system. NOTHING THEY COULD DO. So? She told me to apply next year.

I wasnt upset over the fact that I cant apply this year because even if I got an acceptance, I would ask for deferment as my job doesnt allow me to not travel, at least not in the near 6 months. And I would not sacrifice my job or let it be affected in a negative way because of my masters.

But I wasnt convinced with the way my case was handled. No replies. And I told her I tried to log on at 1130 but it showed online application was closed. Her reply was, that's why we dun advice candidates to apply last minute. Firstly, if your closing date and time is 26th Sep 1159, you keep to that and you my rights to apply exist till 1159. Secondly, she just contradicted herself when she said a lot of people still manage to submit application via the system on 26th.

I was plain sway i suppose.

And Im disappointed with the way she handled me. Afterall, its service we are talking about here.

At the end of the day, i realised that you dont always only pay a price to find out what you really want. I paid a price this time, to find out what I do not want. At least, not now.

It's 3:10 am now. And I finally finished unpacking my luggages and wardrobe. I know that when Im really in for something, I would hold on to it right to the end. I looked back at the application, I am beginning to have a clearer picture. MAybe I was plain sway, maybe it was just the customer service person who decided not to do anything more, whatever the case, I guess in the midst of this blur, I shouldnt commit.

Anyway, Im still waiting for that little voice inside me to point me to somewhere...