Still lost

I have decided to not drag this issue cos i feel totally uncomfortable. I guess i need to sort things out within myself before i can move on from here. However, I dun think that this is the end though there isnt much of a beginning because the reply i got doesnt seem to suggest any sign of end.

"SEE HOW". Haha... Im not sure if this is what it is all about anyway. Maybe I am just not used to it. I have my thinking and certain guiding principles for different aspects of my life. It doesnt matter that people have been dealing with it differently but i guess this is me.

I do not have a direction of where I should be heading. My heart feels partly trapped and depending on how you look at it, it is also partly freed.

I was a little lost ever since I returned from HK.

The whole of this week was the worst cos I was not only depressed every night, I feel that I am held hostage by my inability to "see" things anymore.

I am tired of talking to myself in my head, holding conversations, playing the different scenarios and having lots of "what if"s. I am not that thoroughly happy but I cannot find any reason as to why I should be unhappy. And because there is no reason to be unhappy, yet I am still feeling unhappy, I seriously think my spiritual well-being is deteriorating.

Anyway, I am looking forward to my next rotation to the Finance department. Hate it when I have lost touch of my finance knowledge. I am ashame to tell people that I am a finance major man. I need to get back in shape and for the sake of my school, I shall make sure that I am worthy of the fact that I am a finance major. I guess to really learn well, it is one thing at a time.

HR has lots of knowledge but seriously, at least for here, for now, skills are the most important. Its very interesting to see live "Harvard cases" especially on leadership and management skills. I think I have seen the both the best and the worst of leadership in this three months. I had the most busy and stressful working life in this department (well, I can only compare to procurement). There is no knowledge that is too difficult to be acquired. However, some skills, when you lack, it will be so bad that you keep making the same mistakes, not that they are exactly the same things, but they are the result of a consistant lack of a specific skills that you keep committing the same set of mistake. You know what's the danger in the lack of skills? PEople seldom realise that they are deficient in skills. It is easy to identify a dificiency in knowledge and it is easy to remedy that. However, most people are not aware that their lack of skills and common sense are the root problems to all their mistakes.

Hmm... Anyway, as I was saying, one department at a time. I cant learn all different aspects in depth at one go. I am enjoying this 3 months thingie cos I think I cant really stay longer in places I truly do not see myself continuing. Maybe I would stop and insist on staying at a certain department halfway through my rotation. Maybe I would never find a place that I wanna stay. Haha...

Each rotation gave me exposure to not just a different set of jobscope in each department, it also gives me exposure to the different leadership style of the different managers and VPs, and exposure to the different leading directors. All these are essential for me to decide where I would like to be stationed too.

Hiaz, perhaps I was trying to find out what I want in life. But I cannot see and do not have a direction. That uncertainty is killing me. SOFTLY.