~ on a spiritual struggle and a natural resistance to change~

Work so hard for what?

Work everyday for what?

I used to think that such questions will only linger in the mind of people who doesnt enjoy their job. BUT, I was wrong.

I love my job. Yet, after having spend more time in the office than I do at home, after spending more time getting things right managing my work in the office yet spending no time and with total neglect to my room, (which is of no surprise, it is in a huge mess again) I decided, I need to get things right at home.

TODAY.

I will clear my wardrobe. I added two newbies to my wardrobe yesterday and Im happy. I havent been shopping much these days cos I end up being at the men's department more than the ladies' department the past few weekends. And on weekdays, I never was a able to find the time to shop and even if i did during lunch time, I end up having no time to try on and make an informed and proper decision when it comes to shopping and therefore i ended up not buying cos I am not someone who will buy on impulse, unless it is absolutely cheap.

And seriously, I cant help but have these thoughts on my head, especially on sundays, when I have more time for myself. Time flies by me everyday. For all I know, I would be 25, 27, 29 in no time! And what would I have achieved by then in terms of my personal life? Im not sure man, if I were to pass everyday, every week, every month like that, I will lose myself very soon.

Yesterday on my cab to work, which I dread on saturdays cos the cab journey takes very long, and I end up being car sick, I past by Balmoral plaza. Memories of many years back flooded my mind, when I used to hang out a lot in that area during my college days. And I remember how I would share the chicken porridge with the baby(grown up to be this tall tall girl now) back then, hang out at that area, after school. Sometimes I even go to school from there, wearing my JC uniform, crossing the bridge to take bus to orchard and from there all the way to school. And how we used to drive out to newton circus to da bao supper. Things were simpler, baby was cute, and i would sometimes go swim at the pool too.

Looking at now, hmm.. well....

I have this feeling deep inside, I know, very well, that certain things are simply transient. I guess the fundamental difference is too great, I feel the strain and the stress of the great obstacle ahead. I plucked up courage once to go against all odds, but I am certain, I wont have that kind of courage anytime soon to do the same thing.

Maybe I shouldnt even feel or think about it. Just let things be and see how they fall into place. I am tired. Seriously tired.

Yet I wont say that I am not happy with things at this point in time. I enjoy it. Just that a lot of it wasnt how I would want it to be and I guess my attempts to change things in the past and even running away were futile. Maybe I am accepting it, Maybe I have changed myself and the last reason, which I hope very much is not my case is that, maybe, I have already reached a stage of oblivion.

Maybe I feel the way I do now because I am not loving myself enough. And so there is this certain kind of conflict. When I have put everything else above me, and at the end of the day I am the one who feels empty, yet I cant really change how things are cos this is very much me, I will end up like that.

HMM....

Haha... I think writing a blog does help. I just put my thoughts down. I just let it flow. And because I have to process them in my head, and step 2, I have to put them into proper sentences when i type, I guess I am able to rationalise them.

It might not make sense to the readers, the readers may have their own interpretation of what I mean, but I guess it doesnt matter cos what I am trying to achieve here is not just putting down my thoughts, is to enjoy and benefit from the process of doing so.

Never mind if you are lost.

~ on a spiritual struggle and a natural resistance to change~