It's time to let go

I have been sleeping a lot and thinking a lot too.

I have neglected myself so much, i think it is high time I get myself together once again.

I started the day off reading the biz times weekend on my train to school today. I never had the energy to enjoy news and so for the longest time, I felt so ignorant and so out of the world. I love this feeling I had today.

Met wongso for lunch, him and his usual crap. The lunch was simple, like he always insisted. But it was good.. It's been a long while since we last met up. I just had to update him on things that are happening in my life. Thank you for waiting for 1 hour plus for me. Well... everytime when i ask him if I have lost weight, if I look ok, etc etc... all the usual questions girls like to ask... he will automatically give me an answer that is so well prepared... I always doubt the credibility of his replies. But haha... what to do, he understands me so well he will always switch to the "shi" mode and have everything tuned to my channel. I guess that was the main reason why I can never stop talking to him.

We went to school. I love and miss school. REally. It was truly heart warming to be back at the campus. It is pretty strange... that these new buildings bring so much memories back. And I was just elated to see everybody again. I miss all of you! Not sure if I will be going for grad night cos everyone cant seem to decide.

Hmm... collected the gown. Pledge some money to the alumni funds, bought the Harry Porter tickets at a steal!!! Haha... Cant wait to catch the show and cant wait to see and mingle with everyone during the dinner.

I tried shopping for office pants but seriously, I couldnt bring myself to buy something that I never felt that they were what I wanted even though they were on sale.

Wongso, that salsa competition did lift my spirits a bit. You made me feel like going back to taking up the proper salsa class. I think I wanna just join in your Union square outings next time. Bring me ok? I think I will be happy just watching you guys dance.

Pot luck @ tracy's was great. THANK YOU TRACY! By the way, I love listening to the speeches given by your papa. I felt really a lot motivated after hearing him speak. He reminded me of someone whom I totally respect and who used to give speeches this way too.

The make up was fun and seriously, after so many years, this is the few times that I actually got to know Jaz better.

Thank you Adrian for the ride to and fro.. haha... That saved me quite a bit of cab fare cos tracy, there is no one time in which i can travel to your place without taking a cab.

ANYWAYs...

I have decided to close the last chapter of my life. I am looking forward to the next. I am going to spend more time with myself, hearing my own needs and attending to them.

I am going to let go of a lot of things. I have seriously decided to change my priorities.

That night, after holding her hands tightly with one hand and supporting the ice bag on her forehead on the other... and looking at the way she was panting... I felt peace. I was ultra stress just 30 min ago before arrived at the hospital, I was still struggling with my gastric and I was close to tears at home. But from that moment on, I felt peace. I began to see how insignificant a lot of the things that I was holding on were. I went home that very day, at around 4 plus in the morning. I slept. I had the best sleep in weeks. It was a few short hours but I woke up, refreshed.

I thank M sincerely for being one of the key mentors that has changed my life. It doesnt take one long to differentiate and feel to know when a person is treating you with sincerity and when people are merely taking you for granted.

When I give my best and my heart, I expect equal treatment. But one lesson that I have learnt after going through the hard way is, that I shouldnt hold such expectations anymore because I would end up in mere disappointment and this is totally not worth it. I am however, not going to change the way I treat people because I do not think that it is my style to take everyone for granted and only putting myself at top priority all the time. That is not me.

I have lost a lot of my vision along the way the past three months but I am glad they are coming back to me slowly. I am glad that I am beginning to hear the voice of shi again. I am going to build that movitation level up again. Impossibility is no longer going to stay and I shall and will ensure that this lesson learnt is going to make me a stronger player and I want to win the game at the end of the day.

I have been holding on to too many things and issues which I think it is high time I start letting go. I have tried my best and put some of these interests, in fact, all of these interests above my self. However, I realised that it is time to let go now.

I shall not settle for less.

I will get there one day.

In the meantime, I will embrace my life with passion and motivation and live my life the way I deem to be the best too. I shall get religion back into my life as I think I have lost focus once again.

Wisdom and compassion is key. Shall not allow myself to be bounded by the sufferings as a result of my own ignorance and the clutching on to issues that I should have let go since a long time ago...