Settling down in a place I call home

And I have problems doing that right now.

I am not kidding cos I really do. Emotionally, spritually, physically.

Starting from tomorrow onwards, I am going to the gym/pool every day till the end of the week. I havent been exercising for the longest time.

Today is my lunar birthday and Im glad that I spent it with my dearest family. I value my birthday and it is always a blessing to have the people you love celebrate it for you, with you, not because of anything big but simply because I know they love me and that this is one day they celebrate because it also means something to them that it is on this day 24 years ago that I was born.

Anyway...

It is absolutely tiring that I have to face this again. And I am very disappointed really. Once again, the decisions i made a couple of times last year kept surfacing in my head. Maybe I should wait. Maybe it is like that. Maybe the day will come when there is no longer any turning back. Maybe these are just the results of my wild imaginations. I dunno what to expect. I only know that I am not happy.

Too much has happened in these 2 months while im away.

I guess I am lost now.

I dunno why I cant accept it and I get a little worked up each time I face this issue. I am used to shoving it aside. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. Enlighten me will you? I have never seen it, i am not seeing it now and I dun think I will be seeing it anytime soon. This is a sacrifice too big and I know that I will not be happy no matter what. Because I am expected to compromise something I held for the longest time, that is rooted deep in my heart.

Unless I see it, I cant.


I am tired of empty promises. I have to do a lot of liaison at work, a lot of pushing, a lot of active selling of idea. I think I have enough. I am tired of playing an active role. It's a struggle each time I do this. That is the best way to protect myself nonetheless.

I give up.