Fear

It hurts to see them fight like that.

Misery and pessimism seem to be innate in her.

It is a vicious cycle. Sometimes she brought unhappiness to herself and maybe the sympathy level will decrease in such occasions but hey, when you understand the situation and what she has been through and what she is going through now, plus the fact that her line of thoughts is ran by these pessismistic set of codes for as long as she lived, my heart felt the pinch. Real badly.

I understand that innate in him, he always felt that he was pretty right abt things. He doesnt have the best of logic and in terms of ethics and values, they are probably warped as far as the family is concerned, but this time round, i understand why he flared up. But, i hate him for shouting at her. He has no rights to do so.

My greatest fear, and my greatest fears even in my dreams, in my subconsious mind, regardless of whether i was in China, Singapore, Malaysia, and regardless of what i was doing, or the time of the day, was to see her suffer from a relapse. I cannot take it. I cant even continue with these thoughts and i have to stop myself from thinking any further because at this point, every single time, my eyes will tear.

And they will flow non stop.

Maybe when you reach the age of 50, and you embed your death into any part of the argument, your argument will get stronger. That is what i see as the trend these days. And usually when that happens, people tend to argue in higher decibels. When you no longer fear death, you no longer fear 99% of the things in this world.

I used to put my own death as the no.1 fear.

But now, i know, for sure, that the inability to stop and/or control your loved ones from leaving has taken the top place.

I cannot imagine, because i cannot afford.

I cannot afford to lose her.